august and how!

It has been awhile since I posted last. This may be because I secretly think no one reads this, but that's okay. I would be self-conscious if I thought too many people read it.

July ended up being an emotional roller coaster. But this is no livejournal, and so no further shall be said on that matter, cryptically or otherwise.

Lately I've been saying the words "this is my last summer" a lot. I'm not sure if it is or not, but in 11 years I've never said it, so I'm starting to test it by saying it out loud. I hate it. I don't want that.

I want to stay in Portland. Or I want to go back to FES. I miss FES already.

Let's be clear, I am excited, thrilled actually, about Stanford. Palo Alto is sunny and close to home. My advisor is AMAZING and I have so many ideas about my future that all seem possible. Career ideas, at least. Research ideas sort of. But I don't want to make new friends. Last Friday, Kristy and I traded pop music while lying on her bed and articulated this to her. I have lots of friends. I have best friends, great friends, good friends, and acquaintances. I have people around the world that I care about deeply and none of them are going with me to Palo Alto. None of them will be there when I get there. When I get in the car and hit I-5, I'm all by myself.

So it goes.

I wonder if the summers before I make a major move (to Claremont, to Yale, and now to Stanford) are actually better, or if I just perceive them to be better because I don't want to leave Portland in the first place. Either way, this summer is going pretty extremely well so far, in and out of the zoo. There will be more summers in Portland, if I want there to be (and I do). There is hope, I just have to remind myself of that.

I didn't mean for this to turn out whiny. Maybe it's just because I have a toothache and I'm paranoid it's a cavity. Probably it's because today was a long day, despite having the amazing opportunity to see the orangutans swinging around in their new exhibit. Brachiation celebration! But I digress.

And finally, OH MY GOD. Claire just called me from a Pat Benatar concert (that she invited me to, but I unfortunately couldn't go). See what I mean?? Where else would I find friends like these?? Ugh. The best.